Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle – The Significant Others

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle: We desire things that bring us pleasure or that we have thought of as bringing pleasure. When these desires are accepted by significant others and not subject to criticism and oppression, then the path to their implementation presents no difficulties. But when they are not accepted by significant others then what happens?

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Aggression and sexuality

Repulsion of desire. This happens. Somehow we drive her away. We suppress it or rebel against it. Revolution comes at a cost because you fear losing the love of others. In civilization you cannot kill or be openly sexual. You will be punished. Murder will land you in court and from there to prison and open sexual expression will land you on charges sexual harassment which is also fashionable. In America they have gone too far, you ask a girl if she would like to go to the movies and she accuses you of molestation. This has its roots in the politically correct movement that had emerged in the United States a few decades earlier. So what do we do in culture? Open sexual expression is done with jokes, with teasing, with humor. This is how you send the message that you like someone. And the murder? The murder is done with gossip, veiled or open irony, criticism camouflaged through various cloaks of professional, social, etc., and of course showing great love.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Excessive love hides murderous feelings

Never excessive love and great displays of love is real love. That’s where the murder lies. Very well hidden from being seen. When your child tells you that he loves you to heaven, a few seconds ago he killed you. Guilt rose to heaven and to hide the murder you show too much love. Same with brotherly love and same with over-protectiveness. You repel the urge to kill and turn it into its opposite. Or you oppress the other and justify it as doing it for their own good.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

A place for mischief

That is why I have often written that “it is necessary to have enough room in the imagination for evil”. If my child turns around and says “Dad I saw that I hit another kid in my dream”, I will tell him that the dream is allowed. Outside is not allowed. This is one of the functions of dreaming and imagination. In dreams, traumas are released and in fantasies, desires are released. If we vented our drives outside ourselves, then there would be no society but a constant social battle. We would be afraid to move around and rivers of blood would flow in the streets from the act of aggression. This is what happens when a society has become too oppressed and breaks out. Chaos reigns there, dictatorships, various shrewd people find the opportunity to take advantage of the situation, the world is confused, and generally there is anarchy but also a feeling of relaxation.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Survival and destruction

Aggression is present from the beginning of life. It originally exists as a way to live. Then there are other elements like jealousy and competition. Biting the breast to extract milk is survival aggression. The other aggression is destruction. When you are jealous of your siblings or when you compete with the same-sex parent to get the other. That’s where you want to kill. These murders are done in various ways. A child who becomes aggressive at school takes out that aggression. Or the same can happen to the most depressed children when they take out the aggression on themselves. They become self-destructive. Either way the aggression will come out.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Bullying

The bullying that is often talked about has its roots in these murders. These are murders within the family. In the family there are intrigues, loves, alliances, ambushes, murders, remorse, guilt, shame, punishments, etc. Everything happens in the family. It is the microcosm and model of society. It is no different from society. But let’s look in a little more detail where exactly our unconscious inner conflicts start.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

The triangular issue

The history of humanity is written on the triangular relationship: “father, mother, child”. There are all the characteristics of human relationships. The period of two and a half to six years is very important. Whatever the personality had to structure, build, establish, it succeeded or did not succeed there. In adolescence, some reparative movements are made, but once again, one has the same parents, the same will be repeated. Parents need to change to help their child understand himself. Of course, there are countless different cases of children who lost their parents at some point in their lives, children with many mother figures, children who moved around a lot, children who experienced violence, a thousand and two variations and there we are looking to see what happened to the figures who were involved in the child’s life and in what way. Yet always the triangle within us is important and we use available others to play these necessary and important roles. But let’s look at the boy’s triangle and the girl’s triangle separately.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

The boy’s triangle

In boys there is competition with the father. Tomorrow’s competition between men is also based there. The boy wants to kill his father to get his wife. At the same time, he needs his father to protect him from the mother’s funnel which can swallow him up and make him remain either a half-man, or remain a baby inseparable from his mother (he remains an infant), or leave him to remain identified with his mother. So he needs his father to protect him from all this and identify with him. So when the father is either distant from the son or intimidates the son, then things are problematic. It’s a difficult age when these things happen. At three to six years. The most difficult. An important part of the personality is formed there, such as sexuality and the balance between desire and prohibition. At that time, the boy also gets along with his mom, who shows him that he is important to her, but even though their bond is strong, she betrays him. In the evening she goes with someone else. From there comes the conclusion, certainly wrong, that women are traitors, they don’t count on you, they will cheat on you and simply put, they are not trustworthy. When a woman is not happy with her husband and clings too much to the boy, then the boy will blame her even more when he grows up.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

In societies where fathers imposed on their daughters the husband they will marry, great problems arose with sons because there was such alienation of women from their husbands that when they had boys they used him as a substitute. They did not look at the son but at themselves and how they will be satisfied by their loneliness and their forced enslavement. So the sons got angry and that’s how a whole society is made that blames the women. There the men live as children, who from one have terrible aggression towards the women they will marry tomorrow, and who think that someone owes them back the real attention their mother didn’t give them. This is the boy’s side.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle – The girl’s triangle

On the girl’s side there is a strong transfer of feelings from mother to father. The girl finds him adorable and wants to have children with him. But how will this be done? Jealousy must be out of the way. There develop feelings of hatred towards the father. Again at two and a half three to six years old these things happen and it is a very difficult period because he has to fight with feelings of hatred towards the mother. I once had a patient who came with symptoms of sudden vomiting. Είχε ψάξει όλα τα οργανικά συστήματα που θα μπορούσαν να εμπλέκοντο σε αυτούς τους εμετούς και δεν είχε βρει τίποτα. We looked for it in therapy and it turned out that she unconsciously had regrets because her father did not pay any attention to her great love for him during that important period. This symptom was to get his attention when she was young and continued intermittently into adulthood. At the same time, as an adult, she went easily with men (who, of course, only stayed with her for sex) because she believed that this way she would win their attention and their love. So the love feelings towards her father that did not find relief in his attention, turned into physical symptoms and sexual seduction which demanded the attention she never had. At the same time, her mother was conservative, she couldn’t let herself go emotionally to her daughter, so the little girl was completely alone inside. The girls have to deal with the problem of not killing their mother when they desire the father. They necessarily kill her though. He needs to get out of the way. But because she is also their protection, they will become like her, she is the model, she gives real warmth and love, they have very big conflicts at that time. During that time, the father must accept his daughter’s love to the point where he will not replace her with his wife. This will anger the little girl who will do anything to get him. This drama defines the girl’s life and she tries to solve it in every way. It is solved if she identifies with her mother, that is, if she accepts that the father is the mother’s and seeks to find someone like her father.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle – The hard work of being a parent

So we don’t take girls or boys to bed because these conflicts will become even bigger. The killings will be greater and the fear of losing the father or mother grows. But the fear of retaliation is also growing. We hold our children captive to their conflicts when we exchange them within ourselves with our partners, when we take them to bed but also when we do not respond to the extent needed in their love, when we are the opposite sex and the extent to which we need to help them identify with us when we are the same sex. The job of the parent is difficult because he also carries possible unresolved similar issues and so everyone judges what is right by himself. This is incorrect. He must seek to find out what happens to each child and inside him, to find out what he himself has repressed and what his own triangular story is. Most people take this for granted but it defines all adult feelings. Our childhood life. The better I know if I fell in love with my mother, if she responded and to what extent, if I was afraid of my father, if I wanted to kill him, if I had siblings who were jealous of me or I was jealous of them, etc., the better I will be able to understand my children and to help them live without major internal conflicts.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle – What Can We Do To Understand?

In order to solve these, one needs to relive them and correct them there. This way is called psychoanalytic psychotherapy. It is done by trained experts who have done special trainings and certainly know themselves and have analyzed their basic conflicts. Therapy helps us understand our inner unconscious life, raise our children properly, and live more happily through real relationships with other people. I use the word “real” here in the sense of “not entirely unconscious.” When I hang out with you to solve the problem with my brothers for example, then I can’t see you. If I can see you too, the relationship becomes more real. They will always use each other unconsciously but what we are saying here is to increase our awareness a little more and to learn what was inside us but was unknown to us and determined our behavior and our whole life. So maturity means: “relationships should be a little more real” or otherwise: “I’m interested in you too”. Unfortunately, this is very difficult because even if we think we understand something that was not in the field of our consciousness before, this does not mean that we have understood, much less that we have solved the problem. That is why a proper treatment takes a few years. But it gives you the right to be truly free and more real in your relationships.

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle

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See also: Marriage, relationship and infidelity

The process of psychotherapy requires commitment, dedication and is addressed only to those who seriously see that they need to change their lives. If you are thinking of starting this journey, call me at 211 71 51 801 to make an appointment and see together how I can help you.

Mixalis Paterakis

Psychologist Psychotherapist
University of Indianapolis University of Middlesex
Karneadou 37, Kolonaki
I accept by appointment
Τηλ: 211 7151 801

www.psychotherapy.net.gr

www.mixalispaterakis.gr

Desires And Fantasies In The Family Triangle