The Pain of the Lost Child

Research shows that the death of a partner and child is one of the greatest sorrows that can happen to a person. In my career I have faced this pain, and I have seen and felt the pain in the eyes and voices of the fathers and mothers who have visited me to share their loss. One cannot fathom how deeply etched the sense of hopelessness is within these people.

The Pain of the Lost Child

The Pain of the Lost Child – What can be done and to what extent

A good reason and an exhortation to continue living while carrying the burden of their child’s death are two things we should give these people. I haven’t found anything else that works. I can look for and understand the different elements that exist in any particular relationship between a parent and a bereaved child and this can resolve some of the issues that stand in the way of the grieving process starting to move forward. Yes I can do that. But all the way through, you’re dealing with something completely, utterly hopeless.

The Pain of the Lost Child – The Normal Regression of the Grieving

In these cases you come very close to death yourself who have lost your child. Inside you go way back, you regress to stages where you felt like life was slipping away and you ask mom and dad for help. You need to be able to have more and more frequent contact with them. Even if they are dead. Even if you didn’t have a good relationship with them. One gets caught somewhere. Those who have faith in some god are left there. Not in any hope because that is half gone. But in some consolation that the child is in the hands of someone who can take care of him. This is a great loss. That is, the fact that you yourself no longer have the ability to take care of the child you gave birth to. You need someone who can be strong. And you regress back to childhood where parents seemed powerful, omnipotent. In cases where this can work, people are literally left in the therapist’s hands. They ask for the comfort, the understanding, the familiarity they felt when they themselves were children. There you can see how very difficult it is to really listen to the needs of others and stand by them. I can’t always do it.

The Pain of the Lost Child

The Pain of the Lost Child

The Pain of the Lost Child – The Reckoning and the Distant Memory That Always Remains Within Us

I also tell new therapists to think about it and work on it in their supervision and in their treatments, and I also tell it to everyone who is interested in learning more about this topic but maybe also to be helpful to people who are dealing with the loss of their their children. The biggest burden and the biggest pain is that they cannot talk to their child. Talk about the issue. Don’t be afraid to bury dead children. I say that in general. Don’t be afraid to bury the dead. To bury means to speak for the deceased. How I have him in my mind. I take stock of my relationship with him. How I saw him and what was happening between us. What feelings were there? What are you angry about? What complaints. Good moments. Problems. Special features. The face, as I remember it. His hands, his eyes, his smile, I’m talking about the goodness but also the vices. Everything has an important place. Let man mourn, and before he mourns mourn. First we mourn, and mourning gradually turns into mourning. And mourning a distant memory. In a very distant memory that remains in our hearts. And he lets us live the rest of our lives. With the people who are next to us and we next to them.

The process of psychotherapy requires commitment, dedication and is addressed only to those who seriously see that they need to change their lives. If you are thinking of starting this journey, please call me at 211 71 51 801 to make an appointment and let’s see together how I can help you.

Mixalis Paterakis
Psychologist Psychotherapist
University of Indianapolis University of Middlesex
Karneadou 37, Kolonaki (next to Evangelismos)
I accept by appointment
Tel: 211 7151 801
www.psychotherapy.net.gr
www.mixalispaterakis.gr