Mother Daughter – Questions – Mother Dependence On Daughter
What can I do to improve my relationship with my daughter? What can I do to get closer to my mother? He doesn’t understand me. How will I find a way to hurt her? Yes, to hurt her because she doesn’t listen to me. What should I do to show her?
These are some of the inner conscious and sometimes unconscious questions of the mother and daughter within the family. The mother-daughter relationship in the family is complicated. Complicated because sometimes it becomes stormy and other times tender. These changes sometimes make the relationship more distant and sometimes warmer. But what is this infamous Mother Daughter Dependency and but why isn’t a more balanced relationship between them easy?
The Mother as a Role Model
The mother wants to be the role model for her daughter. She wants her daughter to be like her because she is her continuation. And the daughter wants to be like her mother without losing her own temperament, her own way of looking at things and her life. As a girl grows up and moves into adolescence, the more she wants to become an independent person. Of course, she always needs her mother. Her help. Her presence. But she needs to be able to develop her own perspective as well.
If the mother tries to impose herself on the daughter, if she is critical, aloof or indifferent to her daughter’s interests, then problems will arise in the relationship. And this, of course, is true that it happens in the family. Mothers tend to impose themselves on their daughters. Or to put it another way, to compete with them. And they are admittedly very inventive in how they do this. Sneaky and passive-aggressive. So that the attack is not easily noticed. Why do they behave like this? You will wonder. There is one reason. Competition.
The Reasons for Competition
The reasons for competition can be various. One reason may be jealousy towards the younger and prettier woman-daughter. Another may be the professional success that the mother did not have and that the daughter has now managed to have. Another reason is that the father is very attached to the daughter so the mother feels neglected. These and many others may be the reasons but the basic core is always the sense of fear on the part of the mother that her daughter will destabilize her ie that she will throw her from her throne.
The impression should not be created that the competition is solely due to the mother, because her daughter on the other hand also has her own responsibilities. The daughter needs her mother very emotionally. She knows that whatever happens to her can run to her. He knows he can trust her. She knows that whatever happens to her, she has somewhere to turn. But on the other hand, we cannot ignore the important fact that she also claims tenderness from her father, who will also be the main role model of her tomorrow’s man. The competition is therefore “undermined” by her and is not one-sided. Thus, over time, a “climate” is slowly created between mother and daughter in each family. An “atmosphere”. And when the daughter starts and enters puberty where both from a physical point of view there is an “explosion” of hormones but also a psychological flare-up, then a period begins where many families experience conflicts.
Mother-Daughter in Larger Families
These are some of the main reasons why it is not so easy to have a more balanced mother-daughter relationship. Surely you would have understood that until now, without clarifying it, I was referring to a hypothetical family consisting of three members: mother – father – daughter. Imagine how much more complicated the mother-daughter relationship becomes if I were referring to a family where there is more than one daughter or where there are also sons. The particular ‘system’ of alliances, conflicts and unconscious expressions, you realize, is unique to each family. Unfortunately, however, there is no room for me to develop in this article too many details concerning more complex systems of families with more members.
The relationship of the couple is central to the relationships between all family members and to Mother-Daughter Dependence
Closing this article regarding the mother-daughter relationship, I couldn’t help but mention a very important reason that holds a special place in the family and affects not only the mother-daughter relationship but also all the others in the system called family. So there is something that is even deeper and more difficult. And this is called: “the relationship of the couple”. If the couple’s relationship is good enough then the effects of jealousy and competition will be milder and more balanced. In Greece, the relationships of married couples have started to improve somewhat in recent years. But even twenty years ago they were not good. We thought they were good as they were in our microcosm and within the limits of the Hellenic space, but not only could they not produce pleasure, but in too many cases they were also abusive to all family members. I am talking about emotional abuse without forgetting the cases of physical abuse. Today, when people in Greece are becoming more educated and exploring themselves more, they have started and can have more and better-quality communication with their partner and therefore with their children. The relationship of the couple is the precious data that is hidden behind every issue that arises in a family and we should take care of this relationship as the “apple” of our eye.
Healing means understanding the relationship (and Mother Daughter Addiction)
There are cases where mother and daughter come together for treatment. They ask for help together. There we see the problems that this bond has and usually there is an attempt to live together, almost symbiotically. This happens either because the mother does not let the daughter grow up and leave, or because the little girl has developed fears which for various reasons keep her tied to her mother. Many times both happen and there we need to look at the relationship and let the anger out on both sides. But that’s what therapy is for. To feel the hidden feelings and within the safe framework to live them in the intensity they convey. Thus the repressed impulse is released and the relationship softens, becomes more tolerant.
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“θεραπεία σημαίνει η προσπάθεια να καταλάβει κανείς τον εαυτό του. Να τον κατανοήσει. Να μάθει γιατί μισεί, γιατί έχει χαμηλή αυτοεκτίμηση, γιατί δεν μπορεί να αγαπήσει, με λίγα λόγια να δει από που προέρχονται όλα αυτά…”
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